Tag Archives: eating

Fall-ing into place

I love Autumn. Granted it is supposed to be 90 degrees today and tomorrow, but then down into the 70s. I’m excited about October. So busy! Lots of yoga to teach. I am growing my private client base and it is delightful. I have a lot on my plate in addition to work. I’m packing to move. Granted, I’ve packed a lot already! I’m weeding out things that I don’t have space for or the energy for anymore. Sometimes I sit and think, what would my life be like without this table. Fuck it. My life will be fine without the table, because it isn’t necessary. It was purchased 5 years ago for $5 at a yard sale. I think it has lived up to its responsibility. Things like that are what I am dealing with. I love purging all of this shit. I’m not going to let the past hold me back anymore. I’m leaving it by the dumpster (or giving it away) and I couldn’t be more excited to do it.

While i have plenty to worry about, I’m finding myself far less concerned about things that I could be freaking out about. Today I drew a card. The one I got was “Expectation” and basically suggested that I spend less energy worrying about expectations and just let life happen. It’s so true. There are some aspects of my life that I expected things to happen much different. These days I do my best not to worry about what it looks like or worry about pushing things so they go faster, but just waiting and anticipating less. Waiting and enjoying the moment. It’s such a serious blessing to have this time and all the life experiences.

And just like that, it all seems to be falling into place. Just. Like. That.

Dedication

I just made myself a smoothie. Blueberries, mango, celery, basil, spinach, hemp seeds, honey, and almond milk. Blend blend for a delicious breakfast. The basil really makes it delightful and cooling. I was reading about the health benefits of basil. Lots of good stuff come out of this little herb, and it really tastes delicious in a predominantly veggie based smoothie. It adds its own sweetness.

So, dedication is a real thing. It is so hard to dedicate time to yourself for the benefit of health and wellness. My first coach said to write it down in your calendar. Schedule it, like you do everything else. It’s a great idea and worked well for me, and still does. I’ve had the same workout/exercise routine for a couple of years now. It was hard to get that routine down pat. It was hard to dedicate the time to making myself move, but I did it. I was paying for it, I will make time. So I did. The hard part for me now is making time to add stuff to the already routine I have. I have been gaining and losing the same 20lbs for the past year and I am over being on this yo-yo plateau. Yes, I still see changes in my body, but I’m ready to dedicate the extra time it is going to take in order to actually get off this back and forth.

Can I be completely honest here? I have no freaking idea what it is like to be an average sized person. I’m not even talking about being skinny, but just like an average size 12. As long as I can recall I have shopped in the plus sized section. I know this sounds terrible, but I find comfort in this section. Because I don’t have as many options. Because I don’t actually have to change anything to achieve this section. Yes, I have gone from being a size 28 to a size 18/20. Right now I’m more toward the 20. And yes I am approaching the end of the size spectrum in this section, but I’m still not gone. I linger. Holding on. But what am I holding on for? I tell myself it is because my body just likes it here. My body just likes to be fat. No, my body would probably love it if I wasn’t overweight anymore. Then my skeletal system would get a little bit of a break. My knees especially. What’s the real reason? Because it is easier to just be fat.

Because it is easier to just be fat. The food makes you feel better because it’s loaded with sugar and salt and chemicals that play with your brain. I also really love vegetables and things that are good for me, but sometimes it is just too much work. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter and I’m hungry now. Eat a peanut butter sandwich.

As someone suffering from PCOS, which makes me insulin resistant (I do not have diabetes though, thank God), I should live a very clean food driven life. I should be focused on avoiding grain and things that react as sugar in the body. Grain, alcohol, sugar, and fruit. I like fruit so i will never give it up, and it is good for you, you just have to know when to eat it. There is fruit in my smoothie, just not much in comparison to the vegetables.

I have the tools to accomplish this stuff. I was well on my way in June, but then I got 5 days of IV drip steroids and blew up like a puffer fish. The 15 pounds i lost turned into 20 gained. It is still here. And I’m done with it. I’m getting more work teaching yoga. I’m going to need the proper fuel to sustain throughout the day and keep myself healthy. I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I know what I’m doing because I’ve been doing this for a long ass time. I just have to put the elements together and dedicate the time. So here goes.

I made a new workout schedule. I’m making a grocery list of low carb, satisfying food that I can be happy with. I am taking things one day at a time. My goal is to lose 35lbs in the next 150 days. That will be the end of 2017. I know I can do it. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. Only this time we’re going to keep moving down. It will be mostly food oriented. I’m going to give 100%.

I really try not to pay attention the scale. But sometimes it tells us the truth, even though we don’t want to see it. I know that this is a big long journey and that I should honor that and how far I have come. I do honor that, believe me. I am quite proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. This year especially! I will probably come here to complain about how much I want a cupcake. I will also complain about the heat or something similar which will make me not want to go for a walk. Then I will get mad at myself. Then I will go on a walk. But I will probably stop and write about how mad I am in between.

Today, I would normally be heading to the gym, but I have to go take a tour of a facility where I will be teaching yoga on Thursday nights. It’s apparently an involved building complex. So, I am skipping it to take this tour. I will be coming home to practice my yoga routine sequencing for the week. I have a class Thursday evening and on Sunday morning.

I hope the day is full of magic and positive changes. ❤

Santosa

Santosa is all about contentment. It is a Niyama from the Eight Limbs of Yoga. I’ve been reading in “Light on Yoga” by Iyengar. I’m re-reading it for the 3rd time now. Trying to pick up pieces that I didn’t catch along the way the last time I read it. Santosa stood out to me last night. Iyengar states “A mind that is not content cannot concentrate.” I’ve been stuck here for a while. Thinking about what it means to be content. Americans aren’t taught to be content. They are taught to consume and attempt to make their lives flashy on the outside, but really just encourage a terrible cycle of things that exploit the earth and its people. Our honest lack of Santosa is upsetting.

I sit and think about how I have never wanted for anything. I have sat around, hoarding energy and objects that could be going to help someone else. Earlier this week I spent time cleaning things out. I threw away a bunch of old toiletries, papers, mail, and I even went through my “box of important sentimental crap” and threw some of it away. Love notes, trinkets, mementos. I went through my clothes and tossed a bunch of stuff that I haven’t touched in a year or more. Things that just keep moving with me, but never get used. Like, who needs all this crap? Why are we so driven to consume it? We all know better.

I’ve been debating on trashing the mattress I have in my guest room. It’s over 10 years old, and no one uses it. Not often enough for me to justify keeping it anyway. I want the space. Yet, I’m still apprehensive about tossing it all because of stupid “What If’s” that play out in my head. Sure I have friends come visit from time to time, but I still have a couch. It’s so weird to be so nervous about trashing something. Yet, I had no problem throwing away “important crap”? Says something, doesn’t it?

“Contentment and tranquillity are states of mind. Differences arise among men because of race, creed, wealth, and learning. Differences create discord and these arise conscious or unconscious conflicts which distract and perplex one. Then the mind cannot become one-pointed and is robbed of its peace” (Iyengar, 37).

Can you imagine a world where men were content with their own way of being, their own actions, their own resources, their own land, etc and just allowed the world to exist? No, I can’t imagine it either, but it sounds nice.

Having conversations with friends about life sometimes you’ll catch yourself saying “I’d be happy if I just had enough to do XYZ.” Whether it is to live in a beach cottage in Key West, get new tires for the car, take a vacation to Europe, or whatever is just a false sense of Sansosa. Of course, you should always strive to improve yourself, but you don’t always have to strive for more. Does that make sense? And there is no harm in wanting to move into a beach cottage in Key West, but where you are right now, as you work toward that dream, are you content? Thankful? Do you respect the journey more than the destination? It’s all about the moment and appreciating what you have right this second. As they say, tomorrow isn’t a promise. If that is the case, how can you be content in the moment? In this day and time?  I find myself stopping and thinking more. Writing more. Feeling more. I try to make an effort to be in the moment more. Doesn’t always work, but it’s a work in progress.

I’m still as guilty as anyone for over consumption. My worst thing is with art. Here soon I’m going to have to incorporate gallery practices and let some rest for 6 months and allow the other ones to hang. I’m okay with that though, because art makes me happy. But a lot of the other things do nothing for me. So, what’s the point?

“There is contentment and tranquillity when the flame of the spirt does not waver in the wind of desire.” (Iyengar, 37-38)

Even if it isn’t in your ability to purge and get rid of unnecessary things, or to even stop consuming at a rapid rate (believe me, I like shopping it is hard to stop) at least take the time to be content. Because that leads you to a place that provides far more than a place full of material possessions. Finding contentment creates peace, and who doesn’t need a little bit of that?

It isn’t just applicable toward the objects we have, but how we see ourselves. Are we content with how we look? Are we content with our small nose or flat chest or thunder thighs? For me I am content with how I look. I feel like I’ve looked this way the majority of my life, but I am probably the only person that believes that. The fact that I’m content with myself, doesn’t mean I’m just hanging out not attempting to become better. I did that enough already. I can be content and strive toward something at the same time. I know it doesn’t seem like that should work, but somehow it does and it is oddly satisfying.

Just some thoughts….<3

The Wagon…

I hate the wagon. Getting on and off of it from time to time is super hard on the soul. When you’re on, you feel amazing and love everything. When you’re off you think you love it, but really you just feel tired and gross. Yet, it is so easy to stay off the damn thing. You know why? Because off the wagon there’s cake, or whatever you guilty pleasure is. Mine is cake. Or sugar in general. I wish I had never developed a sweet tooth, as it is the biggest issue I have.

So today is the day I’m putting my self back on the wagon. Yesterday, I made sure to go to the grocery and stock my fridge with yummy things. Lots of veggies, a watermelon, some walnuts and dates (I have to make some date balls asap!), etc. All things that I love to eat. I made a bunch of vinegar salads yesterday. What I mean by that is tomato salad with balsamic vinegar and basil. No cheese for me though. I also made fridge pickles. Just a nice flash pickling of some cucumbers. I made them spicy with red pepper flakes. I hope I don’t burn my face off. It is important for me to have things made and ready for when I get hungry. After I go to the gym today I plan on finishing the rest of the food prep. This morning was a total win. I made cauliflower hash browns, wilted spinach, and scrambled eggs. I need some solid fuel for my workout later. Oh, and it can always go without saying there is coffee. Lots of coffee.

I’m very excited about starting my journey as a yoga teacher. Like, an official one. July 16 I will lead my first class. There is a lot more going into it than just a first class, it is a project. I am so thrilled to be working with the group of ladies that I am to organize our day of teaching together. It makes my soul feel good! I won’t divulge anymore here now, but there will be more in the future!

Graduation day is July 23. I still feel like I know nothing! But I know that a lot of it comes with practice. It is so much fun to anticipate what the future will bring now. I wasn’t really sure what was going to happen in my life, and I still have no idea, BUT I do know it will involve yoga. In some way, shape, or form.

One last thing before I wrap this up. My dearest friend and her family have come upon some difficult times. Her step father, a really amazing man, has been diagnosed with a very serious type of cancer. Things are uncertain right now, but he could sure use some loving and healing light sent in his direction. Because he’s such a gem, he’s been handling the news with grace and laughter. I admire him for his courage. And I thank you for any efforts you make.

Everyone have a beautiful weekend. ❤